I started this year with a lot of excitement and expectation that this might be the year when I confirm the religious community I want to join. As February came along, I fell into this spiral of depression for no apparent reason.
I did not get out of the house, I ate only once a day, and slept most of the time. I couldn’t figure out what was going on. The doctor did prescribe some medication, but it only provided me with minor relief.
And then I decided to attend a Lifeteen retreat for youth ministry called “Eyes On Him”. The theme was about keeping your eyes on Jesus, even when you feel like you are falling apart.
St. Peter was the best example of this. When his eyes were on Jesus, he could walk on water towards him. The moment he got distracted by the storm, he began to focus on something else, and then started to sink because this eyes were no longer on Jesus.
This taught me something about relying on God’s strength rather than my own.
I then made a decision that I had to give God more of my attention, rather than only when I want too. I also realized that I had an opportunity to rely on God’s strength, but I did not, because I thought I could overcome this on my own.
I also realized that God’s greatest act of love is re-presented at every Mass, because Jesus dies for us on the cross at every Mass, to show us how much he loves us. God wants to love us and let us know that we are loved.
I also spoke to my spiritual director about this and he told me that he could not give me the answers I was looking for.
Was this a sign that I was not being called to religious life? Was God trying to send me a message? Was my health becoming an issue?
Fr. told me to be patient and trust in God’s time. To start working on the foundations, before I get to the roof. This inspired me to try and attend daily Mass, and deepen my prayer life.
Sr. Cora, said that this could possibly be a sign of something, but did not give me a conclusive answer and told me to focus on my health first.
It’s so hard when you want answers but do not get them right away. Patience is truly a virtue because it puts you to the test.
I have to keep reminding myself that my eyes should stay focused on HIM and in time, he will reveal his plans for me. This is not easy, but I am trying.